Lost and Found

We don’t talk about loss much in our society. People die, really sad things happen, people send flowers (that if you are like me, you forget to send thank you cards for) and a month or two later, you are going on about your life attempting to operate as if nothing happened.

But losing people leaves holes in our lives. Holes that we can’t possibly figure out how to survive within a few weeks, or in some cases even years. Well-meaning friends will tell you their advice on how to move on or move “through” sadness. Move through it- doesn’t that just sound graceful? I don’t move through my sadness, I stumble clumsily through it like a drunk person in high heels trying to navigate a cobblestone street.

For me, sadness and grief come with a super-sized side of “what is going to go wrong next and how can I brace myself for impact?”. But even though I still have a ways to go in working through the losses I’ve experienced, I can clearly see that I have been given some amazing gifts through the process. Here are a few things I’ve gained through loss:

Defined Priorities

First, real loss has helped me set my priorities in line. I feel like I much more easily make decisions that are truly aligned with my values and what is really important to me. My family, my friends, my community- those are the things that matter.

Clearer Perspective

Another lesson I’ve learned is what is and is not worth getting worked up over. And guess what? Almost nothing happening in my day to day is worth getting all that upset about. When you’ve lived through the death of a child, a parent or a friend, suddenly forgetting to pay the electric bill doesn’t seem like a big deal. That flat tire suddenly gets a shrug and gets dealt with sans all the emotional drama that may have accompanied the situation before.

How to Love Without Holding Back

Another thing loss has taught me how to love more fiercely. Because you really never know when could be having your last conversation with someone you love. I hold my children tight, I tell my husband multiple times a day how much I love him, every phone conversation with family ends with an “I love you”. I have nothing to lose and putting my feelings out there gives me an inexplicable sense of peace. Perhaps it’s just knowing that if and when something does happen unexpectedly, the people in my life know how I feel.

How to Support Others Through Loss

I’m also grateful for the lessons life and loss have taught me on how to support others best through their loss. I no longer try to fix people or solve their sadness for them- that isn’t what they want or need. People just want to feel supported and loved by those around them during tough times. And those tough times might come and go for longer periods of time than others understand or think is reasonable. And that’s okay. Everyone experiences loss in different ways and there isn’t a wrong way. The best thing you can say to someone dealing with loss is “I’m so sorry this happened, I’m here if you need to talk or just need a hug or someone to cry with”.

Gratitude

Lastly and maybe the most important thing I’ve learned is that I have an abundance of wonderful people in my life who are so loving and generous. I’ve been humbled by the people who have offered love and support to me when I needed it most. My heart is full of gratitude to the people who show up for me and I’m also grateful for the lessons they’ve taught me on how to show up for others.

What life-changing lessons have you learned from loss or tough times you’ve experienced?